So I'm back on the bandwagon after going completely AWOL for a while there. I have had an eye infection for 3 weeks which just spread to the other eye, now teamed with a sinus infection and hearing loss in my right ear. But am I going to a doctor? Nope. The last time I went to a doctor while I had severe bacterial food poisoning they told me to "drink water and sleep on it". So an eye/eye/ear/sinus infection is probably nothing to those elitist douchebags.
Anyhoo, upon discovering the quickly shrinking size of my apartment fridge I have a very, well.. not-so-abundant way of eating lately. My diet as of late consists of cereal, donairs with fresh chicken, and bottles of Ensure. That's pretty much it. Lol. At least I am getting the.. um.. some of the food groups? Veggies, protein, milk, fat, and grains. More balanced than I usually cook for myself I suppose.. or maybe not. Gah.
I was thinking; why don't they make totally awesome diets that are fun to follow? Like..
The Viking Diet: Fresh meat and jerky, fresh/dried fruit, nuts, and simple grains like oatmeal and bread. For exercise you can indulge yourself in pillaging and plundering, axe handling, and sword swinging.
The French Diet: For breakfast you'd have a croissant or a small pastry and a cup of fancy coffee, for lunch it would be a little sandwich, for a snack I'd imagine you'd have cheese, strawberries, and a glass of wine, for supper a bowl of french onion soup or steamed vegetables, mashed potatoes, and duck. For dessert you might have some fruit and cheese or (gasp!) a couple chocolates. Exercise would involve walking around shopping malls, browsing art galleries, and, um, smoking.
The Japanese Diet: Steamed meats such as shrimp, fish, and chicken with white rice. Edamame, sushi, and green tea. They have very, very strange sweets so.. I'd imagine a more normal sweet thing they'd indulge in is melons. For exercise you'd likely find yourself taking photos with tourists, working, and walking everywhere.
And I decided to make an exotic list of foods I'd like to try one day:
Norwegian Brown Cheese
(to be continued)
Just as soon as I'd found myself and started becoming amorous for my first roommate who came down from Edmonton; I have come to face the fact that I might lose him at any coming moment. He's going back to Edmonton for his birthday on March 4th, and has stricken me with the realization that he might not come back. He apparently misses his mom, his pets, his friends, and the city; all which are completely understandable.
However; sifting through his messages on nexopia leads me to think otherwise. He's still flirting with his "russian princess"; giving false promises of going to/moving to Moscow one day to dance with her, making her sound like his absolute biggest priority at the moment.
Maybe he's just too immature. Can't hold his own. Too judgemental. Too social. Can't sit, and think, and hold on to something like I can. Nobody can do that anymore. There are but a few of us melancholy, nocturnal philosophers out there. A rare and dying breed nobody can appreciate. Apparently we're just too sad, too intelligent, too antisocial. But underneath those stone cold layers of pure fact we perceive; there is the weakness that we care for others more than ourselves. A weakness so intense that I would die for my sorrow after everyone I have loved, taken care of, and ever taken under my wing just leaves. They all leave. Leave or die. Pehaps it would be my time for the dying part. I just hope Isis and Lucifer would be okay. Once I go through with this if he doesn't come back; I would give the world left behind in my deaths to my precious cats. Everything I ever own. They are they only ones sticking through me on this. The only living beings in the world who actually don't mind staying with me through all my troubles; even if sometimes they are so much to deal with that I forget to take care of anything but myself for a few days.
I sound so stubborn in this message. I always sound stubborn. Why must I be faced with these stubborn feelings? Love or die .. it seems like too much. But in reality I am stuck here, and it would take a lot to move on. So I must pull people to me instead of going to them. But when there's no more people to pull in to my melancholy web, what do I do? I suppose the lack of nourishment, the lack of emotion makes my will to live starve and die.
A little voice is telling me; "No, don't go to Calgary tomorrow, this guy you might be dating soon could be worth canceling the trip!"
But another little voice is telling me; "Go, go! This is for you; not for anyone else. Last time you dated someone he was a total cockblock for the band you got backstage/slept over with and you broke up a month later anyway. Do this for you, enjoy yourself! You'll regret it if you don't!"
So I guess this means I'm going. I'm just worried about Ryan (my new roomie). I'm worried he'll get a little down being alone for those couple days, especially since he has a bad gut feeling about something lately. And I'm worried that if I don't come back for Valentine's Day he's going to be really dissapointed in me for some reason. Considering I've never had an all-too-positive Valentine's Day in my entire life, I kind of want to make it special too; but I don't know what to do. Ditch my single, depressed ex (which I'm thinking is the more rational choice since he dumped me in the first place), or go out with the new roomie who is "testing" me for a relationship due to trust issues. Maybe we can go bar-hopping together (if I even have the money).
He's a lot more caring than Marc I guess. Instead of going; "you're sick, deal with it" .. or, "you're depressed; if you OD or cut I'm calling your parents" .. he actually deals with it personally rather than getting a 3rd party involved (it helps that he doesn't know my parent's phone number anyway).
A lot of guys have told me "drink away your problems rather than cut them away" .. which is actually a good idea. Having your inhibitions changed is probably more effective than a temporary adrenaline high and a new scar. Plus; if I go to the hospital with a deep cut, they will charge me $400 for emergency or something since I've been an Alberta citizen for 2 years now but don't have my medical ID yet (fuck, I need my learner's and my ID but the thing is.. I went to the AMV and they were all; "we're sorry, members only!" so I really don't know where to get any of this shit and they have retarded hours anyway; not that I'm not going to try).
I'm also a bit worried about moving in with people way too early. I mean; Marc and I moved in 45 days after we started dating, but Ryan and I met by moving in with each other. Does this mean we're going to get sick of each other soon or what? Or are we merely going to get used to each other faster? I don't know what to think. But the good news is, I got my pills back and I should be in a much better mood in 2 weeks. I also need my Seroquel but haven't made an appointment for it yet (wtf is up with doctors only prescribing things for 3 months at a time; I mean, I've been on these pills for 2.5 years, I OBVIOUSLY need more than 3 months of them).
I can't believe it's 7:21am .. it's dark out, and I'm hungry, and it feels like 7:21pm. My sleeping schedule is fucked beyond belief lately; for the last 2 days I've only slept 3-4 hours but I am feeling pretty energetic and awake nonetheless. I usually sleep 9-14 hours a day. Maybe my body is starting to wake itself up for spring, who knows; either way, I'm kind of glad I'm not in "hibernation" anymore. Sure; dreaming is great, but waking up at 8pm for a week in a row really makes you feel like a slob.
Anyway I better wrap this up so I can get some food and play Res5/WoW with Ryan. I'm starting to get butterflies around him, and stupid hormonal shit too; like totally wanting to jump his bones every couple hours. Lol. But I'm only 18, so I suppose that's completely normal!
PS: Lucifer is in heat, and it's soooo annoying. ><
I've been browsing stylelife.com, and being hit on on Nexopia for about a week now. And I think, in all honesty, that when it comes to picking up unique chicks; most guys are absolutely f-ing clueless. I'm actually letting some short-haired, non metalhead guys hitting on me just for kicks, to see how they do it, and what they say. Honestly they know the words to say better than any metalhead I've known (I know, I just contradicted myself, right?). But when it comes to their style, they're somewhat clueless.
I am extremely biased towards metalheads. I love long hair; tight black band t-shirts, wristbands, jeans, and belts with cool buckles on them (Children of Bodom, Dimmu Borgir, and Led Zepplin have really nice ones).
I'd say the look that goes best for short-haired guys (to get a reaction out of me) is a nice suit. Every woman gets intimidated by a suit. They think you must have a really nice job, a nice car, and that you are in a high status. They will let you hit on them, and be completely flattered, because your suit has automatic "superiority" over them. But most guys consider it too dressy, and they don't want to be overdressing everyone else. Understandable.
But most guys thing short hair is "safe". That it's hard to mess up, and the majority of women like it. This is true. But if you've got fine features (preferably European), why not beat the norm and grow a mane of luscious locks? I'm not meaning safe-long here, I'm meaning all out rib-length headbanging hair. A lot of European men can pull it off like no other; yet a lot of them choose not to for some reason.
And guys can totally blow the whole pick up thing in the blink of an eye. Many simply go too fast. They use a nice opener, compliment you, ask you where you're from .. and BAM! Ruin it by asking if you want to sleep with them. People who know what they're doing don't even need to ask. You shouldn't ask a girl to sleep with you, or go to a room alone with you; until, according to "The Game" .. she has the "saucer-like dog drooling over a steak look". This is true.
Sigh, it pisses me off so much that people won't go out of the norm. Your collar-popped neutral tone somewhat unbuttoned dress shirts sicken me. Your short, "safely" styled faux-hawk sickens me. You look like any other guy out there. You think you're confident but you're not. Confident guys are different. They aren't afraid to be different.
But don't over-do it. I know some people who pick every single word of my sentences apart like a goddamn psychology major. It's intimidating, and it turns me off. Fortunately this particular man only does so online; yes, he's pretty cocky in person, but he doesn't pick me apart *as bad*. Online usually means nothing. I take online chats with a grain of salt, unless you don't see them often, and the conversation is at least somewhat intelligent and meaningful; which is pretty rare to find over something like MSN or Facebook-chat.
Anyway, I'm getting pretty tired (rare for an insomniac-- but this means I'll likely be rolling around in bed for another hour or two before I -actually- get some shut eye). Going to be a long and boring week .. 9 days before I go to Calgary. Hopefully I can afford to go sooner, hopefully this week (I have this really stunning bleach blonde long-haired metalhead picked up who seems like he quite desperately wants to get out of his long-term relationship, and I'm more than willing to wait. I hope he's as nice in person as he is online.)
-Alice (Isis and Lucifer are sleeping against each other under the coffee table, awwwwe)
For some reason I really wanted to post tonight before I went to bed. I'm not sure why .. I just really wanted to post.
Anyway I have been listening to a new band (new to me, anyway) .. Agalloch, and they are great. The song "Falling Snow" is beautiful and it suits me because winter is my favorite season. I feel bad lying to people whenever they ask me "Shitty weather out, huh?" because, no, it isn't shitty at all. I think Mother Nature's hybernation is more beautiful than anything. In fact I hope for global cooling and global dimming because I like that sort of weather so much. I've always loved winter. Why? Because it's beautiful, cold, icy, lethal, dark, barren, and filled with sorrow. I've always felt the most peaceful blanket of sorrow upon me whenever the snow hits. I somewhat enjoy going into "hybernation" myself .. I do it every year. Every year I take another look at my life, get a little depressed, and lock myself in during the winter to think/improve upon myself. I like the peace that winter gives to me; which is why I put some white dreads in this time .. to symbolize snow. Black and white are my favorite (non) colors.
Also .. I've found it harder and harder to view pro-ana blogs, just blogs, not pictures, lately. I like reading about their life .. their struggles .. triumphs, failures, expectations of themselves .. etc. It reminds me of how I view myself as well. However, when they stop posting; I quit focussing on the images, and ask myself .. where did they go? Why have they stopped posting? Are they ashamed? Did they die? Get treatment? Get better? Did they find the love of their love and make a family rather than focus on their eating disorder? Are they okay?
Which is probably why I haven't put pictures in my blog. Plus the fact that I am more of an intellectual and less of a bandwidth whore, I suppose. I want people to gaze and drool over my words and my experiences in life; not the pictures of pretty, skinny girls I post. Sure; I want to be a pretty, skinny girl; but there are other websites for that. Maybe one of these days I'll post a picture of myself when I'm "done" all of this madness (unlikely) but I don't think I'll ever be too happy with myself.
Well .. I have an extreme urge to draw some beautiful skinny women. I think I'm going to have a really small snack, draw for a bit, and go to bed. Goodnight everyone.
(PS: I wish they had an "inquisitive" mood, as that's how I feel quite often, as I am a very curious person)
I am feeling the worst I've felt in what-- months, years? I disappeared to Calgary for 4 days like I usually do every two weeks or so .. but this time I stayed at my ex boyfriend Marc's for the entire time. I hadn't felt that happy since he broke up with me; and I wasn't even on my anti-depressants this time (I've been out of them for about a week now). I also went to a party and got drunk and the like .. went back to Marc's, got high, ate quite a bit of food, played Mario Kart, then had rough sex which caused me to puke my guts out because I must've drank more than I'd thought, but I was feeling great anyway.
Now I'm back to Lethbridge alone as usual and there's a huge difference in my mood. A pretty instantaneous mood swing I'd say. Because I'm out of my anti-depressants (Citalopram Hydrobromide) I'm getting all the crazy side effects-- brain jolts and shakes, half second blackouts, dizziness .. etc. I also threw out my back by being pushed down a flight of concrete stairs at the party and cracking my spine. Now I have a heat wrap on; which is helping. I'm high from being out of my pills .. high in a very disoriented way because my brain isn't used to having so little serotonin. I'm on an extremely high dose-- 40mg, and randomly stopping them for a week isn't a good idea.. but I just can't get to the pharmacy in time due to their "crazy" hours and my insomnia.
My stomach hurts, my back hurts, my head hurts .. I'm depressed being back here and still single .. I'm tired from all the traveling. I am so depressed I don't want to do anything but lay in bed. I don't want to read or write as much as I usually do, I don't want to practice keyboard, I don't want to do anything. Just lay here and suffer. Why did I stay at my ex's? We watched movies together and cuddled each other to sleep and had sex. He woke me up to kiss me in between his split shifts and he was happy to see me when he got home. It was just like it used to be. Why can't I have that anymore? Am I not good enough? Why do I only have to date metalheads? What is wrong with me?
Now I'm stuck here and I'm just starting to get nauseous again. I think it's from my pill withdrawals. The ex and I had sex 5 times but we used protection every time, even though I'm off my birth control, so it's pretty much impossible that I'd be pregnant. Plus I might even be sterile after being anorexic 2 years ago and losing my period for 8 months.
Sigh. Now I'm just sitting here having a smoke wondering what the hell is wrong with me. Maybe I should just go to bed ..
Probability as to why I'm taking a break from relationships right now:
1. I smoke half a pack a day. Thus, non-smokers probably can't stand me.
2. My house is a mess. I'm in the process of cleaning it. However, when you're single, you can get away with keeping things a lot less organized.
3. I listen to depressing music, it keeps me calm. A lot of people can't stand constantly listening to melodic death metal, but it's pretty much all I ever keep on my Ipod/Itunes; other than the polar opposite, which is techno.
4. I'm way too picky. 80% of all guys have short hair. I don't like short hair. I don't know why I don't like short hair; it's just an extreme personal preference. I also have a thing for Europeans.
5. I spend a lot of time on the computer. Probably also because I'm single; but it's a very effective waste of time. I can smoke, write, study, play games, and learn music while on the computer.
6. I'm not very confident. In short, I don't like my body. If I don't like my body, why would I expect someone else to like it? However, from being sick (and my ED-NOS relapsing) I've lost nearly a stone (that's almost 14lbs) since the last week of December. Unfortunately, I still consider myself utterly repulsive from the neck down.
7. My schedule is on nights. If you work until anywhere before 4pm, good luck waking me up. I take sleeping pills, thus I sleep like a rock. Oh yeah; I also snore a little when I'm not feeling well. Embarrassing but it's not like I can do anything about it.
8. I expect chivalry. The only guy in my life to ever buy me a bouquet of flowers (bonus: he did this on more than one occasion) has, suitably, been my longest, most serious relationship. If you don't pay your half, drop by when I'm sick, or treat me like I at least mean something special to you, good luck getting me to warm up to you.
9. I have crazy mood swings; even if my mental illnesses are mostly under control. One minute I can be shy, quiet, and calm; the next I can be an obnoxious life of the party .. butting into everyone's conversation, being way too outgoing, and coming off as a boundless flirt.
10. I am polyamorous. I can have strong feelings for more than one person at the same time. I love friends with benefits, and I am greedy about my men, just like I am greedy about sex. I can be a real attention whore; and often times one person's attention won't be enough for me.
So it's New Years. And I'm spending this one alone. I don't really want to go out yet .. something about the fact that I haven't "perfected myself" yet. I still have 30lbs to go, but I have lost 5lbs in 4 days by eating no more than 800 calories a day (no exercise yet as I have a pretty bad sinus cold).
I'm just going to stay here with Isis and Lucifer, wash dishes and clean the house, and watch the clocks and calendars simply roll by. I don't want to go out until I can be happy with myself .. but tomorrow I might go to Chapters for more Wiccan books and a 200-calorie Cookbook, and the mall for some HydroxyCut from GNC (if I wake up early enough, which I never do). Hopefully the HC will give me a little more energy, as I have been completely drained by not only restricting but by this stupid cold I've had since Christmas.
I suppose I'll hear screaming, fireworks, etc.. from the window of my basement 1-bedroom apartment. But really; New Year or not, it's just another day to me. A lonely one at that. Hopefully I can stop rejecting people's offers to hang out soon, and get my own life sorted out.
I honestly need to spend less time on the computer. My eyes are glued to the screen for up to 12 hours a day. I have nothing better to do; the depressed part of me says .. but I really have a brand new tablet, DDR, 2 electric pianos, and at least $600 worth of jewelery making supplies.
Isis is on the shelf across the room, under the clock, closing her eyes with her ears tilted at an either annoyed or relaxed angle. No idea where Lucifer is but she's probably sleeping. Maybe I'll fold laundry later. Maybe I'll do alot of things, but I never know, and I never do.
Anyway I hope these New Year's Resolutions are at least partially successful. I know I've learned most of a new song on the keyboard in 2 days and have lost 5lbs in 4 days, I've also done a bit of house-cleaning today; and Dave was over 2 days ago. I'm still single, but I'm not quite ready to do anything about that yet. I plan a trip to Edmonton once I've reached my goal weight. We'll see.
Well; I hope a somewhat more successful New Year's than my own to the rest of you (if anyone even reads this shit, I might let my friends know I have a blog .. so far nobody does). Hope you're happily drinking, shouting, stumbling, and drunkenly and loudly ringing in the New Year like I should be. But there will be other days, far in the future, for that, as far as my life goes.
Hat eine glucklich neue jaar ..
Keyboardist D came over today (my ex; we dated from September to January last year) and he stayed over pretty much all day, from 2 to 11. Yesterday I told him I was feeling blue and very unconfident because I just broke up with Jamie and that I had let myself go a little due to stress and wasn't liking my body very much. So he made sure to come over.
First we traded songs off our Ipods (as always, we're both music freaks) .. of course, he was thrilled about a couple new different genre CDs, and some new classical he had heard on the radio. Then I shyly told him I had been reading up on Aromatherapy Massage. Oops. ;)
So things soon progressed into, what else? Me giving him a massage, lol. I let him choose out a LUSH massage bar and gave him a good half hour rub down with soft techno in the background .. lol. Of course things went a little further (he had to have his shirt off for the massage so insisted I do the same..) and ended up rekindling some sort of friends with benefits. I was pretty happy about that.
Then he played some keyboard, I played some keyboard, I made him some fries cuz he was hungry, and then we cuddled on the couch a bit. After downloading some music and watching a couple hours of TV he had to go. But I did give him my keys earlier today so I wouldn't have to keep meeting him at the security door (and we've been friends for 1.5 years, dated for 4 months, and fwb on and off all year, so I trust him).
He noticed my disordered self was coming back. I complained about my body, and he noticed my stomach growling on 2 occasions.. asking if I was still hungry, and I shrugged it off. Little does he know I ate 745 calories yesterday and 375 so far today. He doesn't need to know that; it's my own personal journey, and I don't want to make anybody needlessly worry about my stupid habits.
Every time I looked up at him, layed down on his sweater, and touched him; I knew, and I've known all along, that I have been in love with him for over a year. I don't let him know that, however. I'm hoping he'll be like Mozart, give up, and marry the closest girl he knows (me) some day. But that's more than likely a long-shot. At least he's still somewhat in my life, and I look up to him.
Anyway I'm hoping to get a bit of exercise in if I'm not too exhausted from refusing to eat lately. Hopefully I can be happy with my size before too much of the year has progressed, as I don't want to be a real downer all the time.
I'm getting a bit lightheaded so I'm going to surf the net and probably go to bed countless hours from now. Goodnight all.
Oh my have things ever changed since I last posted. I always start something, get scared of it, stop, and then creep back up on it again. I do that with my ex's, my blogs, my hobbies, and seemingly everything.
Anyway (even though I don't even want to talk about it!) Marc broke up with me and I moved back to Lethbridge in a new apartment on October 16th.
A month later I found someone to date and last night I broke up with him because I just can't handle dating anymore.
I also got a new cat named Lucifer who is 3 months old right now. She's Isis' little sweetheart and I love them both; even if I am a bit too depressed lately to show compassion and/or love. Not much is going on in my life lately but I am still glued to the computer screen trying to drown my sorrows with music and god knows whatever is on the internet.
Sigh. So I made some New Year's resolutions I'm kind of too embarrassed to discuss but anyway here they are ..
1. Lose 35lbs
2. Rekindle FwB with one of my ex's, I hope
3. Change my look. (Of course this is AFTER I lose weight) .. people say I don't wear enough revealing clothes ..
4. Take care of my skin, hair, and nails
5. Master make-up artistry
I also have supplies for a new set of dreads. Should be here by February. I want dreads that are black at the top and white at the bottom, with a couple odd swirlies and stripes thrown in for good measure. I might cut myself some bangs too, who knows, might try them out with fake hair to see if they suit me first.
Sorry about the UNENTHUSIASTIC posting as I HAVE NOT BEEN VERY HAPPY lately. Sorry about the caps. Fuck I hate living alone. Sigh.
Anyway I'll prolly post more tomorrow. God, I'm being so depressed.. why don't I go cut myself or something. I am single and haven't been laid in a month. I hate this. I hate myself. I can't even take care of myself, my house, or anything anymore. What is wrong with me? Ugh.